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[08 Mar 2007|09:43pm] |
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fear is the mind killer
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[06 Mar 2007|01:46am] |
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the Dismemberment Plan added a 2nd show. no word yet on when the sell date is to be. hope remains!
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[06 Mar 2007|01:25am] |
so, satisfying my role on this corner of the internet as our own local comix (and in particular spider-man) nerd, I suppose i should offer my unasked-for review of the spider-man 3 preview up on nbc.com
( in short, i liked it )
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| The Dismemberment Plan is.... Reunited? |
[01 Mar 2007|02:51pm] |
The Dismemberment Plan are reuniting for 1 night at a $15 benefit concert in D.C. on April 28th!
(also, Travis Morrision is in the National Cathedral Choir now?)
Who want's to fuckin' go down to the District, eh?
i'm (mostly) kidding. we couldn't really do that, right? ...right?
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| I'm blogging this |
[20 Feb 2007|09:48am] |
i am so maddeningly pissed off. i walked out of my physics exam after not being able to solve one of the problems and then immediately remembered how to solve it. i couldn't see at the time that substituting unknown charge density for unknown total charge would have led to some useful cancellations given a common variable in the denominator, so i wasn't able to get any sort of charge term to help me calculate electric field.
now, this was a crucial error, as it was one of those problems with 5 or 6 parts, all of the rest of which are easy, but there is that tricky trick on part 1. so that error at the beginning potentiating all through the rest of the easy problem and screwed me out of the entire question's worth of points. given that there were only 4 questions on the exam, i probably dropped a whole letter grade because of this. so my second semester senior year GPA took a fucking non-negligible hit because i didn't see, at 8 in the morning, that replacing:
Q(enc)
-------------
2 pi R L Eo
with:
Lambda(L)
-------------
2 pi R L Eo
in the middle of this big-ass problem would have allowed me to cancel L.
Fuck. This.
..ok, now having gotten that out, i can move on to bio studying.
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[19 Feb 2007|12:47pm] |
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Fight Day!
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| dispatches from foxholes |
[13 Dec 2006|01:07pm] |
my body must last three days
my will must master my actions
my luck must be impeccable.
here's hoping fortune favors the foolish
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| 'prov |
[13 Nov 2006|01:44pm] |
photoshopping a cat's head onto Vladimir Lenin.
just one more reason i love improv...
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[23 Oct 2006|01:28am] |
"being born is the easy part, yes
it is this staying here that's difficult
this walking for the heart without being certain
exactly why, threading a path through the city
as though i could gather these streets
and bridges to me, hold them in this moment
shining, unasailable"
-Catherine Hunter
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[05 Oct 2006|02:24am] |
i was thinking about this today:
why can't they just fucking leave software alone? i'm running an ass-old version of aim, and it keeps trying to get me to upgrade, but i don't want to cause new aim sucks. i'm just happy all the functions still work, and it's still compatible. because i'm not goddamn switching until i goddamn have to. i wanted to subscribe to a podcast today, so they made me update my itunes, which i obviously don't want to do because itunes is one of my favorite programs, and i'm loath to let them fuck it up on me. so i download the new patch, and ok, it makes my mp3 icons look wierder. but when i try and run the damn thing, it fucks up and dies, meaning i can't listen to my music, because i don't have the updated windows service packs. i fucking hate windows service packs! basically, the box is getting old (i'm running windows 2000 goddamnit- which was a decision my dad made, by the by). this is going to force my hand into buying an external hardrive and backing up all my content to it (so much effort! the c-drive is so disorganized it'll be hell consolidating everything), making sure to include my old-ass good version of aim, and wiping this things mind. then i'll start over, and THEN i'll be able to run my goddamn itunes, and subscribe to my podcast, until a month from now when they patch some bullshit. until then- no music in my room. dammit.
so i was thinking this today and i realise something- they do this with everything! a piece of software comes out that is good, so everybody likes it, and then they fuck it up by adding all of these cumbersome fucking features that destroy the interface and make the program suck balls. why do they feel it's necessary to update their programs every goddamn month? it's not like i'm Buying anything! it's all free software. why update? they're not getting any more of my money. it's just a pain in the ass. in fact, i think the only application that has been here for awhile that still works the way it used to and that they haven't royally fucked up is actually livejournal. they've added pay accounts and shit, but that doesn't impact me. they've messed with the number of pictures. they've changed the interface a little as of late, but not in a way that is obtrusive to me. but basically they've kept it the same and realised not to fuck up a good thing just for the sake of changing shit.
so thank you, livejournal
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[27 Sep 2006|02:02pm] |
philosophy class always makes me think about the most interesting stuff. interestingly, it rarely has anything to do with the subject. For example:
Maybe it's cause i'm dressed nicer today than average (white colar, pinstripe pants- a black socks kinda day), but i'm thinking about spike. specifically this: his aimless wanderings began with his seperation from julia, and only end when he returns to her. he spends the majority of the show drifting through space and time, going where the wind takes him (and he can't die- which is another of the very interesting things about the show, and a huge subject whose implications are best left for another time).
his aimlessness reflects a lack of purpose. his lack of purpose reflects a lack of certainty. the world itself looses clarity- becomes vague- when he leaves julia and his old life behind. images that might be real may be illusions, flashing off and on, goes the line from Blue, the closing song. i ask myself what it's all for, and you know the funny thing about it- i couldn't answer. he tells faye that he sees the past in one eye and the present in the other, so that he only sees patches of reality. a shifting collage in which all the details and uncertain meanings of his life blur together. it is a return to certainty that ultimately pulls him back to face viscious- he goes to find out if he's really alive. he has to. and it all centers around julia- she is the central figure that determines the difference, and for spike it is through her that the world gains or looses any sense of certainty. one can generalize from this case in the following way, disregarding the romantic context (which is again a discussion for a whole other time. beebop helps me think about the nature of love quite a bit, and this subtext is indeed one of the essential things that make the show great to me. but i'm not concerned with the nature of love here, and the romantic aspects of this particular example can be discarded, as this is not an entirely emblamatic case example and is indeed only a springboard to the following):
i have heard it said, and i dearly wish i could remember where, that knowing other people shrinks the world down. i think this is very true. other people act as foci in the void, as rocks to cling to in the storm. other individuals to whom we can relate are objects in this world which provide clarity, purpose, moral compunction, duty and responsibility, and empathy- all things which shrink and clarify our focus and provide us with something to think about and react to other than the vast and incomprehensible void. they have needs and wants and personalities which give us details and purpose which we can take and live a life with some approximation or illusion of meaning. they are definate. they are there. they are bright points of light that narrow the range of our comprehension and anchor us here. i just... i wish i could articulate it clearly, as i feel i'm failing horribly, but i just can't think of any better way to say it than that: knowing other people shrinks the world down. without them, we are alone with the vastness of time, space, and a life which provides us with no answers. somehow, not knowing those answers together with other people allows us to get through them and makes them bearable. because otherwise it's just you and the void. just you and your life. the great expanse of creation thundering before you with hints and shades of meaning but without ever making sense to you. alone, we are awash in our uncertainty. somehow, other people help us shrink all that down. i cannot prove it except to say that you yourself have experienced it viscerally too. at 4am, when you are alone, and your life looms before you so large and inexplicable, and you have no idea why you are here or what you are doing, where you should go, and what it all means, and you cannot sleep for panicked lack of certainty or peace of mind. nothing is right, or even real, and you have no idea how to handle it. and you are so palpably alone. but when you are around others, you somehow have direction, and context. ThATS IT! Context! other people give you context. they shrink down existence into just those parts of it that are yours, that you have some illusion of control over, in which you belong. they give you context. they shrink the world down.
and i think that's one of the principle reasons that we enjoy knowing others, and seek out relations with them. because otherwise we are faced with infinity. other people shrink the world down, and in doing so make it bearable. we need each other. we'd be utterly lost without each other.
we must always remember that- as it is why we must always be kind to one another. live with empathy, mercy, and compassion. we cannot face this place without each other.
(i meant this to be better. it is woefully insufficient. i always do, and it always is. the time between thinking and writing, from class to computer, maybe even from mind to fingers, robs it of it's grace, it's communicative ability, it's significance.... i dunno, it's meat. god, i even fucked this up. see what i mean? it's all just shades of meaning. these vague concepts in the air, that elude our conscious reason even as they echo soundly through our heart- we can never put our finger on them well enough to say simply what we mean. we push on into a great mystery. and it will push right back, and there are worse things than that....*
this world, this life, is endlessly frustrating. but it is at it's basis worth it. that i have seen with both heart and mind, and is something at least of which i am certain.)
*lyrics from Dar Williams "afterall"
edit:
On second thought, after several hours of reflection, i'm not terribly upset that i failded, particularly considering that i was discussing ideas suggested by cowboy bebop- a work of art. we use artistic forms, and particularly narative ones, in place of explicative essaying to communicate a whole host of concepts, perhaps by necessity. for example, many religious ideas are expressed chiefly through narative. when we can't explain something, we illustrate. we tell stories. we are faced with a deep, shifting, and impenetrable mystery, and art is what we use to convey those things that we cannot explain. It's how we express those things which we know- they ring with truth- but that we could never talk about. that, to me, is the principle thing that makes good art. it suggests to you poignant and complicated ideas that you could not access in any other way. it has depth. it feels, in some way, full. and it is; it is fecund with meanings and concepts. they could be funny, they could be sad, they could be about any aspect, large or small, of human experience. the thing that connects them is simply veritas.
this being so, and considering that i was attempting discussion of these very sorts of things, i can't really feel that badly for giving a less-than-successful treatise, can I? lol.
also: interesting bonus round- the edit to this entry was originally handwritten in my moleskin notebook and then transferred to lj, without further revision. the entry originally was typed, of course. if you're interested, and i truly can't imagine why you would be, you might consider the stylistic differences, if any, between the two sections. i wouldn't, but who am i to tell you what to do while bored?
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| Bull Durham |
[17 Sep 2006|06:54pm] |
Bull Durham is one of my favorite movies, because to me what it is really about is the things that separate men from boys, which, i think, are roughly: grace, respect, literateness, depth of feeling, conviction (in life, even if not oriented towards a particular set of ideas) and wisdom, by which i mean the replacement of arrogance with dignity. 'crash' davis is a man. 'nuke' laloosh is not. and the movie achieves a surprising depth in it's portrayal of the differences between them. i find it a bit surprising that i feel such a respect for those things, given my general inclination towards thinking that we are never smarter than in the first flush of our youth, when everything is new. yet i feel this way about youth not because we have not yet experienced the realities of the world, rather i feel this way because we have not yet renounced them, given in to them, given up on them. i do not praise adolescence, that period before we have experienced the world or at least enough of it, and are still waiting. further, i did(do?) not praise it even while in it's grip. i believe the contents of this journal have provided a consistent testament to this. in adolescence there is no long view, there can be no wisdom, and i have been known to lament my own lack of perspective. yet at the same time i have noted that perspective kills. it destroys belief and compels us to forget the higher ideals to which we once aspired, to give them up unto the fray. no, what i praise most is not the time before experience, nor the common features of its aftermath, rather i praise the first experience. the initial actualisation of ourselves onto the world. the act of learning, of doing, of reaching out to grasp that mystery in which we mortels are enmeshed. before we give up on trying.
yet note that crash has not done that. he is not an island. it's why he needs annie, a woman of extraordinary vitality, and of depth. he still seeks life, even after having been tempered by it, and he finds it in her- in searching for it with her. this, i suppose, is what i believe seperates a good man. and so the movie is about that as well. his love for annie, or his capacity for it, enobles him. he knows to appreciate her, and why, and nuke does not. he knows to burn for her. to be bothered by her- to have his soul disturbed. he has a heart that knows enough for annie to get under his skin. he knows to make love to her- exactly how and what that means. and he knows his own power, while being cognisent of hers. nuke doesnt know any of these things, and they are also part of what seperates a man. it's also why crash still plays baseball. that same urge to seek keeps him held to his dreams, even when he rationally should give up, and keeps him bouncing around the minors. he is held in sway by his dreams, and has 'been known to howl at the moon,' and these things also mark him as a grown man. contentedness or ultimate competence are not essential features- the struggle doesn't go away and it is never overcome. by the end of the film, though, he's had to realise the reality of things and adjust his dreams; he hangs up his glove in the end. but he goes and he gets his woman and he tries to make something as a manager. and so it's about a man dealing with his dreams. it's about adults making their way in the world, him and annie. their spirits are triumphant in the end, i think, because they keep going and they can see the spark in one another.
i could write a whole other entry about annie as a character, and the qualities that make her a true and singular woman. please bear in mind that if i have failed to do so enough here, as i surely have, the lack of parity does not indicate that i mean to discount her nature as a woman, but merely shows that i lack the space and time to do it sufficient justice. to do it halfway would be an insult, and so better not to do it at all, and perhaps save that rhumination for a future entry. i focus on crash here because, though the character of annie as a representation of a woman matters to me, the character of crash as a representation of manhood (merely a particular shade, a color, of a common adult experience) is perhaps nearer to me and perhaps more resonent, as it relates more directly to my own identity and process of growing up. strength, the will to dominate, these are not essential features of true manhood. dignity is.
i like Bull Durham because the sight of a man and a woman in the fullness of their power and their dignity, especially in the midst of their failings and their struggle, is an exceptionally beautiful thing. and i like it equally as much because it paints a beautiful picture of baseball, though this is once again a subject for a whole other entry.
anyway, this was random, i know. it rather got away from me; i meant it to be much briefer, far more succinct, with more grace, a clearer description of what i'm trying to get at, and perhaps a better reflection of the poignance i glean from the film. as it stands, i cannot judge at all whether i have succeeded in saying what i wanted to. this is so often the case with my journal entries. i can only say that i assure you any failings you find in it are likely merely the consequence of failures in the explicating of difficult and muddy concepts which in their raw form sprung from and mingled with the best of intentions. i feel a bit embarrassed about this entry, as i suppose we always do when we've been earnest and are unsure of the effectiveness or verity of the results. i therefore ask you to be charitable. also, if you read all the way to the end of this, thanks for listening to me blather. :)
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[28 Aug 2006|05:58am] |
whew.
yah. i've finally got a steady source of internet again. i owe entries, along with so much else. i meant to have an essay series over the summer. along with my general renaissance (which, perhaps surprisingly, shows early signs of bearing fruit), i intend to pursue them still. i have retained many of the topics to return to now.
so... basically i've been incommunicato (or however you spell that) lately, but i am officially returned.
for the people who stick by me in the midst of it all, thanks. look forward to speaking/listening to you soon.
pps. - lindsay, you made me a kickass beebop banner awhile back which i am currently hunting for on my comp. when i find, i would like to put it up. my base lj will always remain the same format i've had i think. but i'd like to commemorate this year by doing a special layout. i may ask for instructions. i'm tired for now. but i'm ready to reach out in all directions.
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| never seemed so strange |
[30 Jun 2006|08:36pm] |
hey Decemberists, what month is it tomorrow?
"the water rolls down the drain
(the water rolls down the drain)
the blood rolls down the drain
(the water rolls down the drain)
oh what a lonely thing
in a blood-red drain...
July, July, July!"
...uh-huh. interesting.
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[03 Jun 2006|08:19pm] |
my eyes blew up again! waaaaaaaaaaah!
i went to the hospital for this back a couple of months ago. it was just my right eye then, but this time its both. i applied some topical anti-swelling eyedrops, hopefully they will help. it went away on its own last time. hopefully it will do so again. i'm confident it will. it's just really wierd. no more contacts for bradley for the time being. i think it was my cat that sent me over the edge (they are shedding). i'm keeping the air filter in my room now with the door closed. it's not as bad as last time, and i can see fine. it's still uncomfortable.
blah.
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[26 May 2006|02:54pm] |
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i see you through a glass darkly
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| a physiological rebellion |
[09 May 2006|10:09am] |
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i think my body is reaching the point where it will not continue to run on caffiene. luckily my finals from here on in no longer consist of sleepless nights of productivity but rather quiet days of gaining knowledge.
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| all the small defeats the day demands |
[08 May 2006|03:34pm] |
"I have finished grading the lab reports and have placed them outside
my office, for those of you who wish to see my comments. Your course
grades will be filed shortly. I enjoyed working with you this
semester, even though you were the first class to have any problems
following the directions on spotting yeast for the 2-hybrid
specificity test. (And this year, many of you seemed to have
difficulty with this!) Perhaps this is a sign that it is time for me
to retire. Have a good summer.
--
David C. Hinkle
Professor of Biology"
posting verbatim an email recieved from Dr. Hinkle. this is the man i've been working with for half a semester perhaps now some of my previous lj entries make a bit more sense?
i have until thursday. then all i gotta do is get clean
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| nightmares |
[08 May 2006|10:48am] |
and there's this nagging suspicion that won't leave me alone tonight
it's just that everything i try to do, nothing seems to turn out right
[decemberists]
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i overslept my alarm this morning. i must have turned it off one of the times i hit the snooze button (i've taken to climbing halfway down my ladder and hitting it with my foot). from my milieu of dreams about the transformers and stuff (i guess i have a lot of transformers dreams?), a fairly disturbing dream emerged.
( dream )
remember folks, nightmares have no substance. it doesn't really mean anything. i'm just recording a bad dream i had, because i have them so rarely. there's no real significance beyond this. so... sorry to take up your time i guess.
-------
tell me you had bad dreams last night
and you were rolling in your sleep
tell me you hate those bright street lights
sometimes the shadows give you the creeps
tell me the air up here's too thin
you can't feel the wind when it moves.
tell me the stars are made of tin
and that they're banging on the roof.
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